Teamwork for Moms (and Dads too)

by Ron
They don't call me Mom.

Well, most of them don't.  Maybe there are a few that do, but they have their own blog somewhere.  But they do call me Dad (well, one of them does, anyway) and if that doesn't qualify me to write an article for a blog about Moms, well gosh darn it, I don't know what will.

If you're a Mom, you probably aren't a Dad.  (If that isn't the case for you, you probably have your own blog out there somewhere, too.)  But it's likely that you know a Dad, and maybe even have to deal with having one in your home.  So I thought I might take the time to offer some of my thoughts, from the perspective of actually being a Dad, on how to cope with Dads and make the most of having them around.


Theory: Moms and Dads are a team.  Moms and Dads have the same objective - to form children over a period of years into reasonably-functional adults - and because of that they often assume they're working together, when they really aren't.  Their objective might be the same but parents operating as individuals instead of a team pursue the objective differently, using different methods and different standards.  This causes friction, not just the obvious friction between the child and the parent with stricter rules of discipline, but between the Mom and Dad themselves.  The other parent becomes another obstacle to overcome rather than the source of support they're supposed to be.

Mom, be intentional about making sure you're working as a team with the Dad in your household.  (Dad, I'd tell you the same thing but you're over at the "They Call Us Dad" blog and they haven't asked me to write an article yet.)  Take the time to discuss and agree on the standards of discipline in your home, what chores you expect children to take on, what media they'll be allowed to consume, and so on.  And don't just do this one time, either -  making sure you're working together to achieve those objectives.  And it's easy to think that's happening when it actually isn't, so take time to communicate.

Once you and Dad are working from the same playbook and setting the same standards and goals, you're halfway to being a team.  Here's how to reach the other half:

Action: Moms and Dads reinforce each other.  You've all seen the example of the brat child who, sensing that Mom and Dad have different standards, play the parents against each other, favoring the less strict parent and causing conflict in the family.  Moms, do your part to prevent this by being intentional with your household's Dad about reinforcing each other's decisions to your children.  Once you have a shared set of standards for your home, put it into action by presenting those standards as a unified front.  Mom's rules are the same as Dad's rules, and vice versa, and you'll get the same decision from Mom that you get from Dad.  Here's a conversation that happens frequently in my home:

Child: "Can I have a string cheese?"
Dad: "What did your mother say?"
Child: (sighing theatrically, her cunning plot foiled again) "She said no."
Dad: "Then I say no, too."
Child: (skulks away, plotting revenge)

That's all it's about.  It really is as simple as that sometimes.  You might think you and Dad are already doing this, and you might be right for all I know.  But make it an intentional thing - take the time to think about it, discuss it, and make sure you really are acting as a team and reinforcing each other.

Sometimes it isn't quite as easy as I'm making it sound.  You may find yourself disagreeing on something you hadn't discussed beforehand.  That's fine, it happens.  But to whatever extent you can, talk in private to reach a conclusion you're both okay with, to preserve the unified front in front of the kids.

Corollary: Moms and Dads are complementary, not redundant.  You may have noticed that the Dad shambling around your house isn't exactly like you.  You may be shocked to discover that this is, in fact, a good thing.  Moms and Dads - women and men, to generalize it a bit - come from different mental/emotional places; they have different mindsets, different skills, different perspectives.  All of that is good.  Its what helps Mom and Dad work better as a team.  One smoothes out the other's rough spots; one brings a point of view to the table that the other maybe didn't consider before.  Like the pieces of a puzzle, Moms and Dads interlock to form a bigger picture.  Moms and Dads are both "parents" but that doesn't mean they're the same, or that one is more valuable than the other.

Moms - you have the most important job in the world, and the toughest.  But in the best case scenario, you're not doing it alone.  Grab hold of that guy in your house named Dad, clean him up a bit (in my imagination he was eating Cheetos and got some crumbs on his shirt, though that may not be true in your specific home), and make sure you and he are working as a team.  The results will be a happier home, and more to the point, a happier Mom.

(Thanks to Karen, my awesome teammate, and Rebecca, our child, who informed me this past Father's Day that she should get some credit because she's the reason I'm considered a father.  Duly noted.)

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net